Tuesday, April 14, 2009

more feelings..

i said earlier that i have been depressed. I have been really trying to think and figure out why i have feeling so crummy lately. Last night at Women's ministry i left early because i wasn't feeling good and now i realize that it was really just attack from the enemy because i really needed to be there. I decided to go to Bible Study this morning and I found out that last night was all about Unity. They said that there were testimonies of people feeling like they felt as if they were shunned and did feel welcome. I think a light went off because I have felt like a fish out of water for years. I was the one picked on in school constantly, I have never felt like i have ever really had a best friend, I have tried to fit in to different groups. I have gone to a couple different egroups at church and have tried different other groups and have felt like i fit in. I have really felt shunned. I hear about people getting together , calling and texting all the time. I have felt a part of a group in a long time. I think that has been part of problem lately. I also want to really just be used and transparent in my walk. I feel like every time I make commitment to make changes I something happens I screw up or circumstances make it hard for me to make changes. I take 1 step forward and two steps back. I guess I just feel burned out. I almost dont even want to try. The only reason I have gone to church is beacause of the kids. I am asking for your prayer, I am searching for healing in this area and for direction.


kim hull said...

thank you Amy, for sharing like this. I know how you feel, I really struggle with "fitting in". I've made efforts to just remember that those are lies from the enemy, but there are times I still feel "out of it". I love you, and I will be praying for you. It really helps, I think, to know you're not alone. The devil really wants us to feel ALONE.

~jen~ said...

I probably could have written this post (a few months ago). I wanted to "fit in" too...but finally just said, WHY?!?!?! I took a step back and just didn't let it get to me anymore. I'm really not there for anyone other than God and me.

To be honest...I also realized that if I felt this way around people...that there were likely many others feeling the same way...and I didn't want to become one of those people who (whether it be directly or indirectly) "didn't pay any attention" to other people.

But I think a lot of this comes from being in a big church too...it's inevitable there will be "cliques" or groups who recognize and gather more frequently.

I don't talk with or text with anyone from the church either. At first, like I said, yeah, I felt left out. Now, I dunno...I guess I just don't care. I can tell ya what I know I'm NOT missing....D.R.A.M.A. And that, my friend, means everything. :)

It's really hard to develop intimate friendships when we have kids. There is just less time we can dedicate to the growing and blossoming of such friendships...so the process takes a LOT longer. THe process of finding someone who just "fits" with your personality...then finding time to get to know each other...etc. etc. It's great when things happen rapidly and bam, instantly you've got yourself a great friend...but just as quickly, that friend can be gone too. (I speak from experience...and it sucks.)

All I can offer to you is the age old advice...pray about it. I gave it to God and I tell ya what...He is answering me all the time on this one. He is showing me things I didn't see before...He is sending wonderful women into my life (who may not be my "best friends", but regardless, they fill me up, speak life, and are just a relief to be around), and He is also illuminating what's more important in my life right now. So really, give it to God girlfriend. He'll show you...I put too much focus before on finding the right friends...because needed someone tangible to be with.

But really....all I needed was God...and my family. He answered my call and provided the rest.

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy,

I'm not sure if you remember me, but I have been following your blog for awhile now. My name is Stephanie(Braeden's mom)and I just wanted to let you know that your recent post really hit home with me. Sometimes it is hard to get past old wounds, and really feel acceptance. I struggle with the same feelings often, but find comfort in the fact that I am loved by Him no matter what. Prayers are with you...